When I present a diagnosis to a client, I do it with hesitation. Honestly, I often pause before I say the words out loud. I know how heavy they can land. Sometimes a client hears it and their shoulders drop in relief—“That… that’s what’s wrong with me.” Other times, it’s like watching a curtain fall over their face “Oh no… that’s what’s wrong with me.”

What brings people to therapy?
That is an excellent question, and one I work to answer each time I meet a new client.

The first thing I assess is how someone views therapy, as this often reveals how aligned or close they are to change. For many, there is a belief that something must be “wrong” with them, or that they are broken.

A key survival behavior culpability. Typically, it is damaging or difficult to run from accountability; however, it is equally harmful when we take on the blame for situations we are not responsible for. At our core, survival depends on having a support system that feels safe and secure. We see this first in children who become the “scapegoat” to hold their parents together.

Intention is everything, it is the motivation for why we engage in a given action or course of actions, the movement behind what we are “intending” to happen.   The process of creation has to start with a compass heading on what we were attempting to do with the series of actions that take place.  Is it to complete a task that needs doing?  Is it to avoid something unpleasant? A conflict or confrontation? 

Identity and Roles

“CJ, you are a husband, you are a father, you are a therapist. Those roles are very important to you. But is that all you are—or maybe that’s all you think you are?”

“CJ, you are a husband, you are a father, you are a therapist. Those roles are very important to you. But is that all you are—or maybe that’s all you think you are?”

I am good because…

Finding the end of this sentence is a constant pursuit. It drives us to conquer, to go above and beyond, to try to please every person we encounter, and to attempt the impossible essentially to do what cannot be done. The process of answering can come from within or from outside ourselves. The former is more difficult than the latter.